Preference or Desire?
Monday 5/24/10 0420
Lately I have been practicing breaking free of my attachment to preferences.
I began simply by paying attention to a desire, and noticing the ways in which I constrained the manner in which the desire might be satisfied. Like the desire to have several lovers where there is a shared depth of intimacy, openness and fun, bumping up against the desire for a steady relationship where my time and energy are committed. Unable to clearly commit to either desire regarding relationship, I chose the least challenging one (for me) to commit to.
This morning I woke up realizing what directed me to that exercise. I notice that for me, speaking truthfully as often as possible is challenging, especially when speaking the truth involves telling a friend or acquaintance when they are utterly full of shit. Not from a place of anatagonism. More like “Um, yes I understand you are a vegan, but you have a big sliver of bacon in your teeth”. My fear is there will be an argument or rejection, escalating to a “trigger forest” and then they will be driven away. Which leaves me alone and separate. And it mirrors how often I refuse to accept when I am full of shit or refuse to confidently express my desire.
My flash of inspiration as I left my dreams this morning is that my preferences are based on my patterns of craving and aversion, superficial ego-driven “wants” that are sought to cover up my discomfort with the present moment and an unwillingness to accept the manner in which my core desire has been fulfilled.
Desire then, is my heartfelt acceptance of the present moment, be it pleasurable or uncomfortable, and my willingness to allow the truth of what is being called for in the moment, touch me deeply and to respond accordingly, regardless of how the package is presented. How the package is dressed is my preference. What’s in the package is a true desire being fulfilled. If I refuse the package because it is not dressed in the manner I imagined, I am manufacturing a feeling of lack, rather than an appreciation of the universe responding to my request and thus my abundant creation.
Attachment to preferences blocks me from recognizing the fulfillment of my desires.
Unwillingness to commit fully prevents the fulfillment of my desires.
Refusing to act from my heart; from the core of my awareness and connection to truth, leaves me fearful and unwilling to commit myself to action.
As I float, waiting for my life to happen in some ways, I use preferences to distract me from true desire. A vicious cycle.
So my challenging practice is to own that moment when I am lying to myself and be a reflection of that; I get the feeling I may lose some friends.
